Thursday, May 28, 2009

Hypothetically speaking, of course...

First of all, let's just start off by saying, my child doesn't have tantrums. Nope, I followed all the childrearing books to the "T" and we have absolutely no tantrums in my house.

But, hypothetically speaking, if he were to have tantrums, they might go like this. Now for the purposes of this hypothetical scenerio, we will call the hypothetical child in question...um...Samuel.

Hypothetical Samuel: (grabbing for anything and everything he's not supposed to have - contact lens solution, hair gel, mail, stuff out of the trash, full coffee cups - you get the picture)

Hypothetical Mommy: Samuel, NO. Don't you do that.

Hypothetical Samuel: (looks hypothetical mommy up and down as if to size up her power, turns and continues to reach for said off limits object).

Hypothetical Mommy: Samuel, Mommy said NO.

Hypothetical Samuel: (glances at hypothetical mommy as if to say..."bring it on" and continues to grab said object and run into hypothetical living room laughing...hypothetically).

Hypothetical Mommy: (sprinting after hypothetical Samuel into living room, grabbing said object from his hands)

Hypothetical Samuel: (crumbles into the floor in an onset of hypothetical hysterical crying and looks up every now and then to see if hypothetical mommy is really making the connection of how badly taking hypothetical object from hypothetical Samuel really really really hurt him deeply).

Hypothetical Mommy: (is trying to catch her breath from the one room sprint because, let's face it, she is hypothetically out of shape)

Hypothetical Samuel: (gets up and walks out of the room in a huff as if to say, "You'll be hearing from my lawyer.")

Hypothetical Baptist Mommy: (crosses herself)

One other tantrum style that gets used often, is what Andy and I have affectionately dubbed, the "bump and roll", a little like the "bend and snap" but not charming at all. The bump and roll is when our little precious one runs toward you to throw his tantrum, sinks his forhead into your legs, or the couch your sitting on, rolls around til he's facing away from you, with his head still touching, and then dramatically collapses to the floor. The bump and roll - guaranteed to get you at least ten minutes in baby jail!

Sorry we've been delinquent about posting. I have been working like crazy, Andy got a new job and we snuck out of town for a rainy cruise. It was glorious to take a week of from diaper changing!

More updates to come!
Sam's Mommy

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Since becoming a mother...

I can carry a diaper bag, a purse, a laptop bag, a cell phone, car keys, a bagelful, coffee, the carseat, my child's hand and hold the door open with one toe as he steps. Apparently motherhood has made me an Octopus.

I'm getting really good at chasing Sam through the house after his bath with a hairbrush. I am now averaging two to three good brush strokes at each stop and have cut the hair fixing time down considerably over the last few months.

I can hold a phone conversation and hone in on my child's location and activities for a good ten minutes. After ten minutes and on an active night, if you're the one on the phone with me, I'm no longer listening to you.

I have learned that waiting to take clothes off as we are standing by the tub only breeds an exasperated toddler and many times a dangerous situation. If I make a game out of it and grab a piece of clothing every fifteen minutes over the span of an hour, my day is shot, but bath time is less painful.

I find I'm starting to pronounce words incorrectly back. If he says "tickey, tickey" instead of "tickle tickle"...its good enough for me. Although I am starting to doubt my own grammar. Are the 'N's silent in bunny?

I gave up trying to read the whole story book. It's really fun to read "Green Eggs and Ham" but pointing at all the pictures and screaming "BRAY" can be fun too.

I no longer care if I finish all the steps to getting ready in the morning. I do the most important ones and forget the rest. I haven't worn lipstick in a year and a half and all those jewelry sets and hair doo-dads...well aside from being fascinating and choking hazards, they pretty much collect dust at this point.

I now wait so long in between eyebrow waxing that the nail salon has to pull out special equipment and comment on how long it's been.

I'm going on a cruise in a week and packing a bathing suit or suntan lotion hasn't even crossed my mind. Packing outfits that are three sizes too big and a stack of books is all that's on my mind.

Since becoming a mother, I have found a new purpose, a new love and a new piece of my heart. All it takes is a hug, a grin or an infectious giggle to remind me that I want to be nothing else, but a mother. On this day, I celebrate the reason for this title more than for my own accomplishments as one.

Rachel