Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Old and Pregnant

So the big announcement is exactly what you thought when you read the title.  It's official, confirmed by my doctor and I'm ready to share.

I'm old.

When did this happen?  Three months ago I wasn't old.  I was 34 and full of life.  I was wearing heels and bouncing into work.  I was staying awake past 9:30 and finishing entire Comcast on Demand movie rentals.  I was able to read in bed for longer than five minutes. I was hittin' up the clubs...all up on that Kryptonite and you could find me in the A... Okay, I haven't done some of these things since I was 29 and I had to look up Kryptonite in the urban dictionary. Kids today...whew.

Well, the news is true.  I am old and I am not happy about it.

To most people, 35 is not terribly old. 35 is the new 16 or whatever nonsense people tell you.  If 35 is indeed the new 16, then someone forgot to tell my lower back and gray hair. The truth is, that statement is crap and I only hear it from 20 year olds and it makes me wonder, "Then how old does that make you?" Truthfully, 35 is just 35.  And most would declare that 35 is not old.

It is considered old, however, in the world of say professional sports, modeling careers and, in my case, pregnancy.

AMA or Advanced Maternal Age is what they call it.   First of all, I hate the word 'maternal'...it makes me immediately think of the word 'frumpy'.  'Advanced' is only cool when someone is talking about your child's learning, and when you partner the two and throw 'age' at the end of it and it makes me want to start ordering cases of Ensure and looking at features for my Hover Round.

Better yet, and I think I proved the case for necessity when I fell down the steps at the Marriott, I need a First Alert necklace.  Only, can it ring directly into the kitchen to tell my husband to bring me up another beverage?

It also makes me feel like my doctor is shaking his head thinking, "She knew she was AMA and she went and got pregnant anyway.  Hussy!" The phrase is just so dire...when any census will show you that many many women had babies well into their 40's and were up working in the fields the next day (don't tell my husband this...I told him that AMA means 'Absolutely Must Avoid all housework for at least the next 16 months.)  To which he responded, "Well that doesn't really change anything around here then does it?"

The nerve of him saying such things to a ticking time bomb of raging hormones.  Well, okay, being AMA and all I think my hormones are doing more sauntering these days.

"So you are now considered 'Advanced Maternal Age,'" my doctor explained to me during what they called a pregnancy confirmation visit in January.  I leaned in.  "What does this all mean, Dr.?  Am I in danger of breaking a hip in delivery?  Will this be partially covered by Medicare?  Should I have the theme song to Golden Girls as my birthing music?" I grabbed his arm, "Are you going to write me a prescription for Boniva?"

I'm not sure if the Hippocratic Oath says something specific that discourages doctors from rolling their eyes at overdramatic patients, because I felt like he reeeeallly wanted to, but didn't.  Instead, he leaned in to me and said, "We'll talk about it at your next visit.  That'll be $40."

I don't think I can do 30 more weeks with a doctor who doesn't have a sense of humor. Wait a second I'm making note of this on my birth plan post-it.

RACHEL'S BIRTH PLAN POST-IT NOTE


1. EPIDURAL NOW  
2. Only funny doctors

Okay... most important stuff covered.

Well, whatever AMA it is to mean...and don't you worry, I'll share all the senior details along the way (if I can remember them), I am indeed what I like to call, Old and Pregnant.

Due in September...and our little family is excited - except no one is excited about me being 8 months pregnant in August. I said no one.

On a totally unrelated note, Andy wants to know if he can come live with you from early July to mid-September.  Think it over and get back to me later.

3 comments:

Whitney Rodes said...

Yeah!!! Congrats!!! I am so excited for you!

Stephanie Yax said...

Very amusing stuff... especially the part about you falling down the steps at the Marriot. I lol-ed there. I'm sorry, is that rude? Heh heh heh... congrats, Granny!

anything but LoKEY said...

You crack me up!! So happy for you! :)