Thursday, May 3, 2012

Welcome to Atlanta


Welcome to Atlanta...now go away.  Although, if you must stay, here are some helpful things to know.

Over 50% of our population is made up of people from Ohio, and none of them know where they are going.

There's no need to pack a coat when you come. I go so many years between needing mine, I forget what it looks like.

The price you pay for cheaper housing and milder winters is that you won’t be able to breathe from about February to November each year.

Atlanta is where Coca-Cola, Home Depot and pollen originated.

There are exactly five days a year that are pleasant for sitting outside and/or having a convertible.  Don’t let those pastoral southern photos fool you.  It’s hot, humid and there are a lot of bugs down here.

Your thighs will start sweating by mid April and won’t stop until late September. 

While we may have small bears, we have gigantic roaches.  And no, they are not afraid of that rolled up Geico mailer in your hand.  That’s like fighting off a mountain lion with a plastic party knife.  

On a hot day, people will tell you the roaches are only in your house looking for water.  On a rainy day, they will tell you they are seeking shelter from the rain.  The truth is…we don’t know what the hell they want, but they, like you, want to be here.  Down south.  Where all things are better. 

89% of Atlanta’s traffic is caused by nothing at all.  The other 11% is caused by accidents, stalled vehicles or a worker leaning up against a piece of road equipment, eating a sandwich. 

Always get in the right hand lane to go East and the left hand lane to go West. I realize this feels unnatural. Also, the earlier you make this maneuver into the correct lane, the better for all of us. 

We have more roads named Peachtree than actual peach trees. 

Snow days are simply our collective way of reducing our carbon footprint.  Don’t expect us to go anywhere.

Most of the Real Housewives of Atlanta don't actually live in Atlanta and are typically not even from Atlanta.  They've never had a moon pie and don't know where "yonder" is.  They don't realize that kudzu has a name nor would they know how to spell it if they did.  If you want a completely unrealistic view of life in Atlanta though...that's totally your show.  

Most real housewives of Atlanta are at Target or are sitting in a 45 minute traffic jam to go five miles. 

When you come, it would be helpful if you would bring your own water.  

When you leave, take some people with you...it's getting horribly crowded down here.